then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
