I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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