I will die if light touches me.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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