It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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