If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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