I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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