So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize