i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We left an ass print on the piano.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
