Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So vagazzling was a success
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
