like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
