even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
