Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize