i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
