If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
