More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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