We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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