I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize