I am midnight drunk by noon
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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