Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
