i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
