How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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