i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We had to coat check the pizza.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
