My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This is my gift to your gina
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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