If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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