I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you win again, gameday.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just pee around me
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
