its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I have post one night stand depression
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