he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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