he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize