I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
