if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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