you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
