I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
