Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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