I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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