Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
