I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's rum buckets o'clock
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize