It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
