I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Randomize
