I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
