not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize