I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize