Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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