at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
