the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
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