I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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