Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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