god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Pants 0. Shit 1.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
and you fell through a lawn chair
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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