Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
