how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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