I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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