I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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