I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
