So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
