I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
