sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
