Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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