Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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