I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
