so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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