I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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