i just wanna soil my oats bro
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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