she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
