I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
