Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
